Hellen: a handcart

I'm late with this too but, y'know, illness and all. (Now I think I'm getting another bug on top of the first one, oh ferchrissakes it's not like I actually do dangerous things like going out and mingling with people, give me a break.) The objective has been achieved, but every little helps as those megalomaniacal product-peddlers keep telling us.

I'm happy to do my bit (even if it's only symbolic now... ill, ill...) in helping Girl with a one-track mind propel Nicholas Hellen of the Sunday Times to the top of Google for all the wrong reasons. As she explains, he was one of the disgraces to the profession who tried to bully her into falling in line when she was outed by them last year. The email he sent threatened in the lowest way to expose her - dangling her family in front of her, inferring that if she didn't cooperate they wouldn't pull any punches (after all, she is the kind of infamous whore slut painted strumpet who should consider herself lucky she isn't paraded through town in stocks on the back of a donkey cart of smelly sin). And all in a tone of... what is that a tone of? It's not unctuous. It's not exactly faux-polite. Whatever it is, it is calculating and nasty.


"Dear Miss [my name],

We intend to publish a prominent news story in this weekend's paper, revealing your identity as the author of the book, Girl With a One Track Mind.

We have matched up the dates of films you have worked on - Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Batman Begins and Lara Croft Tomb Raider - and it is clear that they correlate to your blog. We have obtained your birth certificate, and details about where you went to school and college.

We propose to publish the fact that you are 33 and live in [my address] -London, and that your mother, [her name], is a [her address] -based [her profession]. The article includes extracts from your book and blog, relevant to your career in the film industry. We also have a picture of you, taken outside your flat.

Unfortunately, the picture is not particularly flattering and might undermine the image that has been built up around your persona as Abby Lee. I think it would be helpful to both sides if you agreed to a photo shoot today so that we can publish a more attractive image.

We are proposing to assign you our senior portrait photographer, Francesco Guidicini, and would arrange everything to your convenience, including a car to pick you up. We would expect you to provide your own clothes and make up. As the story will be on a colour page, we would prefer the outfit to be one of colourful eveningwear.

We did put this proposal to you yesterday, but heard nothing back. Clearly this is now a matter of urgency, and I would appreciate you contacting me as soon as possible. To avoid any doubt we will, of course, publish the story as it is if we do not hear from you.

Yours sincerely,
Nicholas Hellen

Acting News Editor
Sunday Times"


This sort of hypocrisy and gruesome treatment of ordinary people may be widespread in the media, but there's no reason why everyone should be tagged with it. There are plenty of staunchly ethical and thoroughly decent journalists, some of whom I've been chuffed to call my mates, and much as they'd like to flag up grubby little swine like him and disassociate him from themselves and their profession, they usually can't. So I hereby linky for them as well as for Ms Lee, who's dealt with the whole nightmare brilliantly and turned it around for herself. Booyah.

Incidentally I think Andre at A Beautiful Revolution put it much more succinctly (and politely) at the time than I ever could have done.